Mayor Discovers She is Mayor of Entire City

Eugene, Oregon: In what one resident called, “ironic,” Mayor of Oregon’s second largest City discovers she is Mayor of “entire city!”

“You can imagine my shock,” Mayor Lucy Vinis said, “I found out that I’m suppose to represent like over 175,000 people. When I close my eyes, I can’t even imagine that many people. You try it. Close your eyes and imagine 175,000 people. I bet you can’t do it.”

Representing a large number of people, hard to imagine, according to Mayor Vinis

Asked who she thought she was representing, Mayor Vinis answered, “I thought I was representing my friends.”

The catalyst for this discovery? A development project at 1059 Willamette. “Rhymes with “Damnit!” adds Mayor Lucy Vinis.

The project developers deChase/Miksis propose a $6.9 Million public asset be given to them. “Kind of like we’ve been really nice and the entire City of Eugene is Santa,” says an anonymous source.

“It’s more like the 170,000 people of Eugene are the little elves,” Mayor Vinis explains, “and I’m Santa.”

Known locally as “The Palladium Pencil,” 1059 Willamette worth $6.9M.

deChase Miksis say the $6.9M gift (and $2M in tax forgiveness) is necessary to “pencil out” the development. $6.9M with an anticipate 12% IRR for 10 years equals $21,4M. That’s a 310% profit! Calculate developer’s profits for yourselves here!

Here’s deChase/Miksis profit as a pie chart!

“We’ll be giving them one expensive pencil,” Mayor Vinis says.

“True,” Mayor Vinis says, “I would never give away my own house for an annuity scam like this one, but the people of Eugene don’t know any better.”

“Seriously. It’s the kind of deal no one in their right mind would do, but this is Eugene Oregon. I thought, it would be O.K.”

Apparently not, as a broad group of citizens demand the City of Eugene reject the proposal. In a letter signed by over two organizations, signers demand that rich white people no longer give away publicly owned assets to other rich white people. “World Citizen” Senor Roar summarizes the citizen complaint here.

“Apparently they want us to give land to people who aren’t white or rich,” Mayor Vinis said. “Or keep it for the benefit of everyone. That is not how I roll.”

According to Mayor Vinis, giving away property to non-white people that white people stole legitimately in the first place has never been trending. “I’m quoting Ruth Bader Ginsberg, so you know that’s not racist.”

Discovery Doctrine! Ever hear of it?” Vinis adds. “Hello?”

“And seriously, just look at that letter. You can tell most of those organizations are just made up. I mean, Black Sex Workers Collective? Sunrise? What’s that suppose to even mean? NAACP? CALC? What is that, a calculator app?”

Asked what she plans to do, Mayor Vinis said, “Great question! The ‘Handbook for Mayor of a Few Good Friends’ advises creating infighting to destroy any collation. It’s a trick that leaders use when the herd wanders into a field that’s set aside for not them.”

Suspiciously, 1059 Willamette “value” rises steadily under Mayor Vinis tenure, according to Lane County Tax Assessor.

“This is what you do: you go to individual sheep and start making empty promises, like they’ll have a seat at the table if they throw the other sheep under the bus. It’s easy.”

“I mean, that shepherd thing is apt, because I am a shepherd, if being a shepherd means promising sheep a seat at the table if they throw other sheep under a bus so her friends can keep their seats at the table.”

Mayor Vinis added: “Now, imagine mint jelly!”

Mint jelly easy to imagine, according to Mayor Vinis

“Fact is, while they’re beaten by police, losing jobs, forced from their rentals, trying to feed their family, I’m sitting in a house on a hill worth over $600,000, and they pay me $165,000 to represent my friends!”

During this transfer of wealth from the public to the private sector, the City of Eugene will be providing a temporary hotline for emotional support for residents who feel they have suffered emotional hardship due to financial fraud and scams.

The Mayor has announced that citizens should be feeling these common reactions to financial fraud and scams:

  • anxiety
  • shame
  • embarrassment
  • guilt
  • anger
  • depression
  • fear
  • loss of trust in others
  • loss of a sense of security
  • grief

More information on the side effects of fraud and scams can be found here. “We sincerely want residents to get the kind of emotional support they need,” said Mayor Vinis.

“Seriously, what I’ve found is this kind of pushback against genocidal, economic, white supremacy seem to blow over in a couple of weeks.”

Mayor Vinis, not afraid to represent her friends, according to sources.

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Stegner Fellow, Stanford University; Spivey and Chancellor Fellow, University of Tennessee. PhD, MFA www.storytheory.org

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Otis Haschemeyer

Otis Haschemeyer

Stegner Fellow, Stanford University; Spivey and Chancellor Fellow, University of Tennessee. PhD, MFA www.storytheory.org

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