Apr 24, 2021
Council to Steal $3 Million, Police Ready to Arrest
On National “Public Gift to Private Sector Day,” April 28, Eugene City Council will ceremoniously contract to give $10 Million dollars to local white developers for a negative rate of return of -30%, or a loss of $3Million.
“We’re very excited,” Mayor Lucy Vinis said. “This transfer of community wealth into private hands will ensure the continued supremacy of rich white people over us all. As lap dogs to landowners downtown, we’re so proud to be able to give back in this small way for those campaign contributions. And thank you for those walks!”
Councilman Alan Zelenka with Team Real Estate, explains, “You see, the diversity population in Eugene Oregon are so high on the marijuana, they don’t realize they’re losing $3 Million. They sure as shit don’t know anything about investing. They think the “k” in 401(k) stands for kilo.”
Still, stealing is stealing, and the theft of $3 Million isn’t lost on Police Chief Chris Skinner. Normally charged with rounding up bicycle thieves, he said, “You can’t not do the math. $3 Million equals a lot of bicycles. At $200 a bike, that’s 15,000 bikes. If the bikes were $300 each, that would be 10,000 bikes, but if they were only a 100 dollars a bike it would be 30,000 bikes. So, that’s a lot a bikes. That’s like the Genius Book of World Records in bike theft.”
Council Member, Claire Syrett, for Team Real Estate, assures, “It’s not stealing if it’s branded good and necessary. We need ‘good folks,’ rich white people, to make life in Eugene tolerable for other rich white people. To have that, we have to take money away from a lot of other types of people. It’s kind of a reverse Robin Hood. We just tell them there’s no alternative. It’s easy!”
Asked about it, the only Council Member not on Team Real Estate, Emily Semple, said, “Listen, I’m like Geraldo on Fox News. I’m the ridiculous wing-nut they convince. That’s the role of the straw man, to make it look like a debate. Don’t expect miracles from me.”
Asked how she might vote on “National Public Gift to Private Sector Day” she responded, “I have a track record of throwing the community under the bus. It’s an issue of cognitive dissonance. I need help, and if I don’t get it then it’s your own fault what happens. I’m not a savior.”
Team Real Estate’s Captain, Councilman Mike Clark, said “They say we’re white supremacists. If we back away from empowering white supremacy, we acknowledge our guilt and complicity. Team Real Estate can never do that. We have a responsibility to settler colonialism to perpetuate the myth of democracy and extirpate all dissent. If that requires summary execution, as it sometimes does, or advances mass, genocidal economic decline, then so be it.”
Mike Clark added, “That was off the record, right?”
“Go team!” Matt Keating, Jennifer Yeh, and Randy Randy Groves cheered.
Greg Evan, the only Black Council Member on Team Real Estate said, “Maybe there is a connection between real estate development and racism, and classism for that matter, but I have a home. And anyway, we need rich white people. Without them at the top, the world would descend into the chaos of equality. Can you imagine a world without them?”
Mayor Lucy Vinis, chimed, “Honestly, I just had a land acknowledgment to the Kalapuya People who we stole all this land from. If they’re not happy with empty words and gestures, then fuck ’em. Oh, and felize Cinco de Mayo.”
Police Chief Skinner, emphasized he really has an impossible job. “When your job is perpetuating white supremacy, it’s tough. Sure, Council is stealing 15,000 bicycles all at once, but they’re not who we typically target for dislocation, punishment, and incarceration. At this point I still don’t know what I’ll do. If I arrest Council, they’ll say I’m Antifa. If I beat up ‘system-dissenters’ then I’m suddenly part of the military industrial complex.”
“All I can say is, we’ll be ready. I’m pretty sure I’ll beat and gas the protesters, but if I cull someone, as per industry standard, it will have to be an older white, liberal male, like Councilman Alan Zelenka, or else I’ll get in trouble.”
